basking in his presence
his face pressed against mine
thighs aligned, tongues intertwined
breathing through his mouth
i rise to the occasion, drenched in sweat
i clench my teeth as my muscles spasm
me, wriggling out of control
i scream in sheer delight
my toes unfurl
as a sigh is released
from him and i
Hey, thanks for sharing. This poem is very sexy. :) I wondered about the first line. It definitely seems worshipful and not really what a woman would think, at least in my opinnion. However the fist line did give way to some pretty great images. I also think 'i scream in sheer delight' is a little weak or maybe cliche. I liked 'my toes unfurl' and also the subject. Good job,
ReplyDeleteMelissa
Thank you! I fully agree that "i scream in sheer delight" was weak. I had to throw in the word unfurl, I love it! I wasn't going for worshipful in the first line, but I suppose it could be. Perhaps I should have said "basking in his body heat" or something to that effect. Thanks for the criticism! ^_^
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting! More later!
ReplyDeleteYou bet,
ReplyDeleteI think if you are not going for 'worshipful' than 'basking' would be a good word to change. :) or perhaps basking in the heat from her own body, remember you are writing from a woman's view point. :) I guess i would like the first line to seem more like a woman's narrative voice and less of a male immitating a woman.:) But I think that is the challenge of this prompt. I really do like this poem.
I think that the tone could be worshipful, as there are women like that, however, I think a setting will help more than anything else. If we can ground this moment in a setting, the reader will get a much larger sense. Try, instead of focusing directly on the sexuality, to describe the setting from a woman's perspective. As I told Judy, maybe use some adjectives that are concrete but also indicative of personal emotion. For example, is the counter-top "ribbing her love handles" or "cradling her hips?" Both of these mean vastly different things, but are concrete. Anyhow, great ambition!
ReplyDeleteI like the Freudian slip of 'I rise to the occasion.' I also like the image of 'breathing through his mouth.' Great job! Thanks for sharing!