Judy, I love the descriptions of memories. You gave a real sense of missing that feeling of home. I think the parts about the chinese restaurant don't really fit with everything else. Plus we go from going out for Chinese food to walking up the 'four cement steps', makes it sound like you are walking up to the restaurant, but then we are in a 'quaint neighborhood' in a house with 'short countertops' (love that detail, by the way,) I guess I think the piece could be stronger if it were a little more condensed. :) I think you really captured that feel of longing for things from the past, Good job, Melissa
I think Melissa really hit it on the head here. I think you can still zero in on one moment. Maybe, as a little exercise, take one and write only about that. For example, take the concrete steps, and try to just describe those in the most detail. Use adjectives that describe emotions as well, for example "cracked" or "smooth" could both be indicative of emotion, as well as a physical description. I want to savor your images, and I feel rushed still!
I love everything here, I just think more time needs to be spent. I think this might be a series poem. :)
Thanks for sharing. I'll get back to you soon!
ReplyDeleteJudy,
ReplyDeleteI love the descriptions of memories. You gave a real sense of missing that feeling of home. I think the parts about the chinese restaurant don't really fit with everything else. Plus we go from going out for Chinese food to walking up the 'four cement steps', makes it sound like you are walking up to the restaurant, but then we are in a 'quaint neighborhood' in a house with 'short countertops' (love that detail, by the way,)
I guess I think the piece could be stronger if it were a little more condensed. :) I think you really captured that feel of longing for things from the past, Good job,
Melissa
thanks melissa! that helps!
ReplyDeleteI think Melissa really hit it on the head here. I think you can still zero in on one moment. Maybe, as a little exercise, take one and write only about that. For example, take the concrete steps, and try to just describe those in the most detail. Use adjectives that describe emotions as well, for example "cracked" or "smooth" could both be indicative of emotion, as well as a physical description. I want to savor your images, and I feel rushed still!
ReplyDeleteI love everything here, I just think more time needs to be spent. I think this might be a series poem. :)
thanks!
ReplyDelete